Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 984

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

I became a performer because it was what I enjoyed doing.

If you laugh at that, you lower the bar, and I will limbo under it because I am a fucked-up guy!

I don't call her my middle child, I call her my center child, Because the world revolves around her.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

The childless experts on child raising also bring tears of laughter to my eyes when they say, "I love children because they're so honest." There is not an agent in the CIA or the KGB who knows how to conceal the theft of food, how to fake being asleep, or how to forge a parent's signature like a child.

Christmases were terrible, not like nowadays when kids get everything. My sister got a miniature set of perfumes called ‘Ample’. It was tiny, but even I could see where my dad had scraped off the S.

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.

Love is like a lost fart… if you have to force it, then it’s probably shit.

You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.

The only way woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four different men--an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gay guy.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.