Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 995
Some people say "don't use your personal life for comedic fodder". These people may be right, but I have no other life to use so fuck em.
Lasting harmony with a woman (was) an undertaking in which I twice failed rather disgracefully.
If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.
We come into this world totally defenseless. A bundle of soft, toothless cartilage that can't roll over, focus, or hold in it's own spit. Then, while you're lying there all helpless some doctor walks in and chops off the end of your penis. Who's a happy baby? Who is? Yes, you are.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'
I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, midlife for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter miler, who's son now says, "Dad, I just can't run the quarter with you anymore unless I bring something to read."
He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.
Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.
My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!
I flew to Ireland once... I’m Welsh I brought shorts, t shirts, sunglasses, they don’t even sell them in Wales I had to go to Bristol to buy them!
Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.