Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 995
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
I would have felt a little funny if another actor was playing this role.
I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: "You're not my wife!" Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: "What would he tip?" Another guy said: "I want you to meet my family," and took me to the cemetery.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.
My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.
A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
I got jury duty … and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?
You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.
What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch.
Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.