Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 995

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, "That's was an oldie from The Clash."

I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.

Or is it that I think too much?

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

Honest or not, in what world is a 35:1 leveraged position sane?

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? They are Evil.

I know one or two people have heckled, but I will kill you!

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

I can't think of a worse place to be, without a passport, without any money, ... Then you'd be really screwed.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".

In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended.

I watched the American Music Awards last night. Beyonce lost in all three of her categories, but she did win a special award - which was our way of saying we still love you but we need to see other people.