Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 994

And then I was like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are white people just psyched all the time?” It’s, like, “‘Back to the Future’! That’s us! ‘Godfather’! That’s us! ‘Godfather Part II’! That’s us! ‘Departed’! That’s us! ‘Sunset Boulevard’! That’s us! ‘Citizen Kane’! That’s us! ‘Jaws’! That’s us! Every fucking movie but ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ and ‘Boyz n the Hood’ is us! We are white people! Suck our dicks!”

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?

If I had my life to live over... I wouldn't have time.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I'm so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James!

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of 'I think I'm a loser,' try 'I definitely am a loser.' Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be if you don't even know you are one? Either you are a loser or you are not. Which is it, stupid?

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

It's hard for anybody who's been with me not to feel starved for affection when I'm making love to my ideas. Maybe it's not meant for me to settle down and be married.

Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, "Christ, what's that smell?"

You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.