Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 996

On why porn stars cant act: "I wanna know the correlation between an uncle's finger and bad acting"

You exaggerate your own reactions.

I was doing sketches that were funny, but socially irresponsible. It was encouraged.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'

The only thing worse than a comedian who rips off premises and jokes is the thief who thinks he didn't do it.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.

I don't have any rules, so don't invite me to game night.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

Life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

I'm competitive at everything.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.