Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 996

I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival.

Never kiss in public, but at home I am affectionate.

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I’m a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

I was doing sketches that were funny, but socially irresponsible. It was encouraged.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.'

After 'Raymond,' there was this big feeling of, 'What do I do next?'

I can't think of a worse place to be, without a passport, without any money, ... Then you'd be really screwed.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.