Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 996

When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.

After 'Raymond,' there was this big feeling of, 'What do I do next?'

Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.

Political correctness seems to me to be about an institutionalized politeness at its worst.

I know one or two people have heckled, but I will kill you!

We've lost our way, I thin. We keep waiting for a wizard to fix it. You know, the Democrats and Republicans - they're not going to fix it. That's just Coke and Pepsi - same crap, different can.

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

My family used depression to hide from anxiety.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.