Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
There was a time in my life when I was very interested in relationship psychology. Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.
Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I assumed you were a guy, you might have female parts. I don't know per-say. And I don't mean to call it a per-say, but it might be... with sack.
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver while I was having a cocktail.
We are comfortable, collectively, that those 12 [shootings] are related.
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.