Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.