Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

Everything that people say is testable.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?