Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

I love Steven Wright.

Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.