Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.