Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.