Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"