Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.
I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.