Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.
I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."