Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.