Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...