Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".
There are also always those burnt, hard kernels at the bottom that don't pop. You know why they don't pop? They don't pop because they have integrity.
When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.