Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.