Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

You might be a redneck if you think cur is a breed of dog.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"