Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

At one point he decided enough was enough.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.