Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

George Bush hates midgets.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.