Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.