Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.