Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

We've heard they've had signs up about Cuero for the last three weeks, ... We're excited about playing this game but not to the point where we do not know what we're doing. We just have to go into the game with intensity and remain focused on our goal.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.

[To a whore]<br /> Blackadder: Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.

I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.