Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.