Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!