Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.
It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.