Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!