Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.