Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.