Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.