Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.