Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

If you think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup, you might be a redneck.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.