Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
