Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.