Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

I'm really funny now.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.