Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".