Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.