Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!

You might be a redneck if you have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

You never hear a woman say, 'Hey, lets go to balls.'

What's the latest dope on Wall Street? My son!

You might be a redneck if you think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.