Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.