Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

He who hesitates is probably right.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"