Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.