Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

They say life begins at 50. Yeah, if you're the fuckin' Highlander.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.