Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.