Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

If you think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup, you might be a redneck.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

If you're in a room with Britney Spears, you just want to say, "What did you shave your head for, love?"

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.