Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

Everything that people say is testable.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.