Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.