Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."
Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."