Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.
You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.