Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I think; therefore I worry.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.