Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.
Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.