Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.