Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

18,873 quotes

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Mad Cow Disease? I gotta be afraid of fucking cows now? And Canadian cows, I feel like such a puss.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.