Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.

When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.