Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

We women have to stick together.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.