Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

If you think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup, you might be a redneck.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.