Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.