Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.