Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Everything that people say is testable.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.