Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.