Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

We women have to stick together.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.'

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."