Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.