Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.