Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"