Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.