Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.