Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.