Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.