Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.