Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.