Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.