Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

Everything that people say is testable.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.