Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.