Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.