Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

He who hesitates is probably right.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.