Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.