Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.
Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."
"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'"
I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.