Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.
Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?
When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.