Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Most transvestites fancy girls.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.