Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.