Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

Well, I don't live in the past like you, so I don't remember.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

You don't have anything; you don't own anything.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.