Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

I'm a mischievous drunk.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.