Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
