Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.