Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I think; therefore I worry.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

You might be a redneck if you think cur is a breed of dog.

Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.