Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.