Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Everything that people say is testable.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.