Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.