Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.