Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young”.<br /> I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?