Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

16194 quotes

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

I think it’s weird when you give someone flowers… Really saying here you go, now watch these die, cause I like you. I feel like you should give someone flowers if you want to threaten them, here you’re next. Better put your feet in water 'cause I’m coming for you.

I was at the gym the other day working out with my buddy. My buddy Joey. And he goes "hey, man, I'm getting a divorce." I said "Wow, that sucks. Can you spot me?" That was our whole conversation! So then I go home to my wife, and I say "Hey, Joey is getting a divorce." She goes "Oh, my God! What happened?" "I dunno." "What do you mean you don't know? Is she cheating on him, is he cheating on her?" "Again, I'm not holding anything back here, I don't know!" She goes "Bill, someone tells you they're getting a divorce and you don't ask any questions?" And I go "Well, that's because he didn't ask me a question! He didn't say 'hey Bill, what do you think about me getting a divorce?', he said, 'I'm getting a divorce', which said to me, 'I require no further input on your part.'" If he had said 'What do you think about me getting a divorce?', I'd have said, 'Well, you're gonna be dating again, so you should work on your abs'.

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.

Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

I do have ADD and in real life, I'm all over the place and can hardly focus. If we were talking for, for more than an hour or so, I'd start drifting off... I can't sit still too long.

He has the disease of alcoholism. And he came to me... and he told me, and I'm the kind of guy that likes to look at the bright side of things. So I told him, I said, 'Richie, it's true that you have a disease and everything, but I think you got the best one.'

How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?

Inventions intrigue me, I was reading about the Walkie Talkie and I read it was a military inventions, that surprised me, usually military stuff has strong names you know Apache Helicopter, Tomahawk missile. ...Walkie Talkie? How did that slip through the system? Was a general talking to some guy? "What do you have there soldier?" Well it's a new communication device that's untethered which will enable the troops to speak effectively when they're in the field. "What's it called?" Walkie Talkie. Look I'm walkie and I'm talkie. Now you walkie and talkie general. I'm walkie and talkie, are you walkie and talkie? "I like it solder, what's this explosive device?" The Wammy Kablammy and this is the Rooty Tooty Aim and Shooty.

Marijuana is not a drug! I used to suck dick for coke! You ever suck dick for marijuana?

You cannot pee in a Mr. Coffee and get Taster's Choice.

"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."

People always say I couldn’t live in California cause they love seasons too much, yeah I do too that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones.