Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1002

You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.

It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

If I would've married me I would have outlawed foreplay. I would have been pissed at myself in bed but had more time to read great novels.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

I was doing sketches that were funny, but socially irresponsible. It was encouraged.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

Once you've been an astronaut and you've gone on a mission, doesn't the rest of your life just add up to one big disappointment after another? What are their daily lives like? ‘Golly gee, I caught a fish! Ha ha! This reminds me of that time I walked on the fucking moon!’

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? They are Evil.

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.