Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1002

We can sit and worry about what's going to happen to us two weeks from now. I'd rather focus on the amazing things happening right in front of us.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

I look at anything in nature and how things work-the stars, the pyramids-and I can't imagine that there's not some kind of design to it all. There's got to be something big that we don't understand. I do believe in Jesus. I believe in being good to one another. Life is about spending our time here contributing and not taking away. That's my faith.

I have no regrets mainly because my memory is shot.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, "That's was an oldie from The Clash."

I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.

They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You're not just a smoker, you're an example to other people. You're an exhibit at a futuristic zoo.