Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1002

Depression isn't affected by gravity.

I got myself a snack of low-sodium, low-fat Triscuits. If they were lower in anything else the box would be empty.

If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

When you're in your 20s and 30s and you drop some weight, people notice, they're nice about it. They're like, 'Hey man, you look good!' But when you're in your 40s and you lose weight, people are like, 'You doin' all right?'

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

Why wouldn't he be, he's the son of God? He's not gonna be walking around going, 'Oh, I've got back fat today. I'm so puffy.'

There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

This year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”