Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1002

I expected to much from my expectations fast and I'm all screwed up again... but I expected that to happen.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

If somebody calls and messes with you on the phone like that you don't become terrified, you mess back. If somebody calls and was like "have you checked the children?" I'd be like "I killed them!"

We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars (at the show) is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

All bitches have a heart.

I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new tv show for cable and it's not set up yet.

I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.

Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.