Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1009

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night!

I'm competitive at everything.

Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'

If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

Amtrak announced this week that they plan to install cable TV into their sleeper births. Great. So now you can watch your derailment live on CNN.

We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.

According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.