Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1009

I just brush it off and try to make a joke about it. Over the years it's been interesting.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'

I love restaurants, and that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants - home made cooking - I don't want home made cooking, that's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say who's home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

My family wasn't the Brady Bunch. They were the Broody Bunch.

I look at anything in nature and how things work-the stars, the pyramids-and I can't imagine that there's not some kind of design to it all. There's got to be something big that we don't understand. I do believe in Jesus. I believe in being good to one another. Life is about spending our time here contributing and not taking away. That's my faith.

If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a don't ask, don't tell policy with any and all bodily functions.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

I'd like to die like my father died... My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn’t hit her.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.