Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1009

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

The amazing thing is there are people who've never left this country who talk about the fact that we're the greatest country on Earth. How fucking dumb is that?! Cuz you don't know, if you haven't left here you don't know. There are countries that may be giving shit away every day! Canada's one of those countries. You know what they give away? Health insurance!

But what about the children, Lewis? I can hear some of you asking. What about the children? It's more disturbing to hear adults talking about having seen a tit as shocking and disturbing and indecent than it is for children to see one.

Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.

It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

I had this whole impression in my head that Arabic was such a horrible language coz its always like "*arab accent* khakhli o kha" no wonder their people are so angry, they are vomiting on each other when they talk.

Let me tell you about Australia. It’s really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you’re a gleam in your father’s eye.

I was always confused with what was near-sight and what was far-sight. Now I'm not confused at all: I've got both, I don't give a fuck which is which.

You might be a redneck if you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.