Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1009

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

People don't know what it's like standing up there onstage, when you have a wall of people smiling at you.

If I could go back to any decade it wouldn’t be the 80s, it would be the 70s. See we didn’t have all those computer games in the 70s, we had real games. Do you remember mouse trap? (audience cheers). Yeah, we didn’t have that...

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.'

I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.

There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.

My father was a small claims court jester.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.