Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1009

I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?