Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1008
A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
I loved Peter Sellers. I thought he was the perfect mix of physical comedy with out-of-the-box humor. I loved his tone; I loved his physicality; I loved everything about what he was doing as a comedic actor.
I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
You might be a redneck if your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.
Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"
Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.
People watch TV on their laptops. I got the laptop, this has made me so lazy, this is ruining my life. I don't even turn off mine anymore. Do you? I just close mine. I can't be bothered with all that "Shutdown? Are you sure?" Questions, questions!
Stand-up is a lot like sex. There's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.