Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1008
Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and then run away.
Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
“I’ve got a little baby, I made him…He doesn’t speak, he’s 2…He’s a slow learner, he’s only got 2 words…car and map…I’m slightly worried he’s trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!”
When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?
I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake.
If you're already so low on the parental totem pole, skill-wise, that you're letting your child scream "frickin'" in a public place... just let 'em say "fuck." He's already going to prison. Don't make him a bottom-bunk, too.
I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.