Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1008

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.

I would do a scene with a little kid and they’d turn to me afterwards and say, "I love you Eddie Murphy". That’s a new thing for me, to have a co-star in a scene turn to me and tell me they love me. In "48 Hours" Nick Nolte never turned to me and said "I love you Ed”.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

Or is it that I think too much?

If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

The auction houses seemed not as dull as their financial counterparts on Wall Street, where parents of daughters imagined glass celings and bottom patting.

It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.

What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?