Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1008
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
Girls always have to call somebody when something slightly traumatic almost happens. (Mimes phone call)<br /> (Girl voice) “Ohmigod, you’ll never guess what almost happened.”<br /> (himself) “Let me guess: nothing. Because it’s almost. Goodbye.” Click.
They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.
You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.
But what about the children, Lewis? I can hear some of you asking. What about the children? It's more disturbing to hear adults talking about having seen a tit as shocking and disturbing and indecent than it is for children to see one.
It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.
I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"
Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.