Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1010
I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.
My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!
I've heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone.
I'm not playing with you. I will blow that black, crusty, dead knarled motherfucker the fuck off your foot! Now put the razor away!
I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
Only then does he realize what he has done to Mirabelle, how wanting a square inch of her and not all of her has damaged them both, and how he cannot justify his actions except that, well, it was life.
It's a shame about the fish, it's a shame about the lake. But it'd be worse if it burst and people died.
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.
They used to have a smoking section at the airport. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You’re not just a smoker, you’re an example to other people. You’re an exhibit at a futuristic zoo. You’re in a nicotine terrarium. There ought to be a sign that says, “The addict in his natural environment.”
The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.
The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.