Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1010

Or is it that I think too much?

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

Honest or not, in what world is a 35:1 leveraged position sane?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.

Rappers misspell things from time to time, just for fun. They'll use a 'Z' instead of an 'S,' a 'Y' instead of an 'I.' If I was an accountant, I would do that with numbers. I'd be like, 'Yo, here's your check. I used a 1 instead of a 5. Just keepin' it real. Don't wanna embezzle, my nezzle.'

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

I'm competitive at everything.

Depression isn't affected by gravity.

You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.