Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1010
High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
This year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.
What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.
If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.
Orville Wright, who said to his brother Will, "We're only in the air twelve seconds; how the hell did our luggage get to Cleveland?" Never got a dinner!
John Wilkes Booth, who said, "Sorry, I thought he was a critic." Never got a dinner!
Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.
Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.