Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1019

They charged me 15 dollars. That's how much it costs to only have 20 dollars.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

I love life! One day maybe it'll be my own.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

When we started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight.

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job.