Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1019
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.
Mad Cow Disease? I gotta be afraid of fucking cows now? And Canadian cows, I feel like such a puss.
It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.
During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."
On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".
As far as exercising goes... watch for my next book, How I died while Jogging.
Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.
Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.