Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1019

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

You might be a redneck if you think 'N Sync is where the dirty dishes go.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young”.<br /> I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”

GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who as we all know before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..."

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare "socialized medicine", I get to call private, for-profit healthcare "soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain".

(On the Edinburgh Festival) I must get some kind of masochistic pleasure out of it. But I have no idea why I go there. No idea at all.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival.

I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.