Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1019
You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.
There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.
To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.
I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.
People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin."
Girls always have to call somebody when something slightly traumatic almost happens. (Mimes phone call)<br /> (Girl voice) “Ohmigod, you’ll never guess what almost happened.”<br /> (himself) “Let me guess: nothing. Because it’s almost. Goodbye.” Click.
A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That's because they are usually dead by age 40.
Women would rule the world - if only they'd stop bitchin' about each other.
My cat’s fully capable of speaking, but he says he’s afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.
One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.