Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1018

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

This is TV the way it's supposed to be, ain't it? Let's try on jackets. It's fun!

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

It’s hard to believe that if there is a God, he would want people to stand in the street and shout like maniacs. I think He would choose better qualified people.

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

And He saw that it was good!

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

I'll tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFO's, about the fact that they cross galaxies, or wherever they come from to visit us, and always end up in places like Fife, Alabama. Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man.

The only reason I sound depressed is because I'm tired of anxiety.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.