Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1018

Women should be obscene and not heard.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.

I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

I love playing ego and insecurity combined.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

Where am I, anyhow? I mean, what happened to everybody?

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.

Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.