Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1018

That's right. It turns out we've all been taking relationship advice from the fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!

There's something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, joyous and it's fucking amazing! And it's born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that - and this joyous singing!

I had to move in with my girlfriend... It was very successful and we lived very happily in domestic bliss and harmony... for 13 days.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.