Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1018
My cat’s fully capable of speaking, but he says he’s afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.
Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them!
After seeing Condit last night, we now realize how great a liar Clinton was.
Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..."
I tell people all the time, as I was going through my process of being a comedian or being an actor and a writer at 'SNL,' I tell people that everything you do is all a piece of your puzzle to determine where you're going to end up at.
To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
[about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like *KABOOM!*
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.