Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1020

Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.

Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

I'm not religious anymore, but I think it's like papal infallibility, which is a ridiculous man-made tenet, like what I believe most religious tenets to be, are man-made after the fact.

So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.

I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.

You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.

It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'

You know me. Any excuse to put on a dress.

I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust - and that’s just the drinking water... Here in New York City, the leaves turn - and run.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

Most stick people are black.

I had to move in with my girlfriend... It was very successful and we lived very happily in domestic bliss and harmony... for 13 days.