Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1020

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.

[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced]<br /> I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And [my wife] goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"

Girls that prevent other girls from getting laid - twat swatters.

Dress like a gentleman, but my mouth is never civilized.

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?.. Well, bad example.

I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.

I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.

Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...

I'd rather be wrong than think I'm right and bug people.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.