Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1020
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.
It's painful, but we can't heal ourselves unless we cleanse the wounds.
There will be select instances where the consumer is interested in paying for premium content. I think it will be difficult to get people to pay for something on the Internet that they can find elsewhere on the Internet for free.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.
A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that "less than no one" thinks they’re doing a good job.
Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.
Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".