Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1020

I’m whitie and I apologize.

(On his long-term goals.) I want to have more courage, conquer my fear of lightning and, by my 40th birthday, be drinking 50% less of my current alcohol consumption. I also want to meet Barack Obama, or take significant steps to getting into Outer Space.

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

I am furious about everything.

The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.

I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Maybe other people will try to limit me but I don't limit myself.

Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.