Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1026
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll realize that that’s maybe a bit long.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
You might be a redneck if Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a don't ask, don't tell policy with any and all bodily functions.
I was at peace with it; I'd taken his hatred and insecurity-driven malice and turned it into fame, money, and of course, pussy.