Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1026
She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.
It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.
You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.
Did you hear what he said before he was elected? He goes, 'I'm going to go through the national budget, line by line, and I'm going to cut out everything we don't need.' Did you see the inauguration? They flew out his high school marching band from Hawaii. Maybe it's me, but shouldn't 30 Hawaiian tuba players be somewhere near the top of the 'Shit We Don't Need' column in the national budget?
One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.
Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.
Norm is such a horrible gambler, he bet Jon Lovitz would be funny tonight.
When I moved in with this lady, I just... I mean, I walked into the bedroom - you know, we're looking at this apartment - and I said, 'What's this handwriting on the wall?'
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September the 11th. Freedom Tower they're going to call it but now apparently they're worried and they're looking at ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just build a giant fucking mosque. No one is going to fly into that are they?! Or even better, a runway. How galling would it be to high-jack a plane, and then come in and make a fucking text book landing.