Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1026
Girls always have to call somebody when something slightly traumatic almost happens. (Mimes phone call)<br /> (Girl voice) “Ohmigod, you’ll never guess what almost happened.”<br /> (himself) “Let me guess: nothing. Because it’s almost. Goodbye.” Click.
If you're already so low on the parental totem pole, skill-wise, that you're letting your child scream "frickin'" in a public place... just let 'em say "fuck." He's already going to prison. Don't make him a bottom-bunk, too.
Here's what the right-wing has in, there's no shortage of the natural resources of ignorance, apathy, hate, fear. As long as those things are in the collective conscious and unconscious, the Republicans will have some votes.
One guy I was in bed with him and he kept saying to me, “Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want?’ I want a milkshake, what do you think I want?
People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.
You can't get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can't get un-famous.
Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.
We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?
The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.
When you speak directly at things and don't say you're going to try to do something or that you hope to do something, the universe will work with you. Think about it this way - a boomerang goes out and comes back to you if you throw it. If you throw it out at the universe, it will come back down to you on Earth.
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.