Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1026

Came on this beat, I ain’t even buy it dinner.

As I stand in line at southwest I feel the urge to moo really loud or scream.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.

It’s hard to believe that if there is a God, he would want people to stand in the street and shout like maniacs. I think He would choose better qualified people.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?