Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1051
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.
People love gossip. It's the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.
When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.
If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you've got the wrong studio.
When we started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight.
I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not wearing Kmart.
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.
So I started to relax and would work on my act eight hours a day, sitting at a desk writing at my grandmother's house, and I would put on Richard Pryor Live on Long Beach and would play it like a loop and think and write.
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.