Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1051
When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.
George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.
At no time do I come from a cynical point of view. I'm coming from a concerned point of view.
If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.
I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.
Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.
You might be a redneck if there are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.