Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1051
You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?
I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars.
I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.
Victoria Beckham should get a life, I am not a fan of outrageous consumption. I think it is vulgar. And no-one should flaunt that they have a hundred Hermes $12,000 bags. Not when people are starving. Everyone should be allowed to have a great time but she shows a distinct lack of class.
Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.
You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
People on the right say to people like me, "Oh, you hate America." And I always say, "No, I love America. I want it back. I don't want you representing it. I don't want torture representing it." If I hated it, I'd be okay with being represented by the torturers.
I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.
You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.