Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1051

The normal make a living, the deranged make history.

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

William Tell’s son, Telly, who said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head, "There’s gotta be an easier way to kill worms." Never got a dinner!

Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.

Though you feel you're not where you're suppose to be, you shouldn't worry because that next turn that you take, it will lead you to where you wanna go.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

Recently, there's been a trend in America that I find very disturbing... rewarding immoral and illegal behavior...For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

Being famous is great, it's not like bad or horrible or anything.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"

Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with the industry's very best actors, directors, musicians, authors - I'm thrilled to be on the cutting edge of this.