Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1051
A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.
50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I assumed you were a guy, you might have female parts. I don't know per-say. And I don't mean to call it a per-say, but it might be... with sack.
Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.