Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1052
Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.
I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.
I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.
If you’re drunk please don’t drive. If you’re on shrooms please don’t think Walmart’s a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.