Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1052
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.
This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
At no time do I come from a cynical point of view. I'm coming from a concerned point of view.
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.