Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1052
I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying… under another man.
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.
It's no different. It's not like I ever cursed around my mother or anything. I never had a hard time turning it on and off. It's like you enter another country - sometimes you're in a cursing country and then you're in a kid's country.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
When I was growing up, we had a petting zoo, and, well, we had two sections. We had a petting zoo, and then we had a heavy-petting zoo. For people who really liked the animals a lot.
You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.