Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1052
You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'
Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.
I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."
According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.
People love gossip. It's the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".