Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1052

When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.

My father was a small claims court jester.

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you've got the wrong studio.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.