Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1050
I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."
Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.
They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.
Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.
There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.