Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1050

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

It sucks being fat, you know.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

I love life! One day maybe it'll be my own.

I was married once before, and I stopped.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.