Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1050

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

If I don't take anything that I say seriously only an idiot would.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Maniac, depressed, and a schizophrenic. My umbilical cord was a crazy straw.

We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.

Isn't that just being a whore? You don't need to join a club. Close your legs, sister.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

For my sake I hope this is the first day of somebody else's life.

I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…

Did you hear this – Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami. I mean she said, "These Tsunamians will not get away with this". Oh speaking of dumb twats, did you...

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.