Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1050

You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.

( Unlikely things for the Queen to include in her Christmas speech ) I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm now so old that my pussy is haunted.

I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.

I want to do a reality show based on “The Mole” but it’s really about sexually transmitted diseases. And it’s called, “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.

I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.

I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

Most transvestites fancy girls.

There was a time in my life when I was very interested in relationship psychology. Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.