Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1050
If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie.
It's no different. It's not like I ever cursed around my mother or anything. I never had a hard time turning it on and off. It's like you enter another country - sometimes you're in a cursing country and then you're in a kid's country.
There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.
My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
Ladies, I will go to dance clubs and I will tear it up hard core… for a good thirty seconds. When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls. So we finish at the same time.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.