Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1053

Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.