Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1053

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

It doesn't have to be that way.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

There are also always those burnt, hard kernels at the bottom that don't pop. You know why they don't pop? They don't pop because they have integrity.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?