Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1054
They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.
At this point in time, that's like saying you're not 'into the phone.'
You might be a redneck if you can spit without opening your mouth.
One time I love to shop is after a bad relationship. I go and buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit I’ll break up with someone on purpose.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.
The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.
A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'