Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1054

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

Did you know that 10% of all Americans have not had sex in 5 years? I didn't know there were so many Republicans...

You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

I was the hallway clown in high school.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!

For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

You might be a redneck if Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"