Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1054

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!

Noah’s wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, "It’s your turn to spread the papers on the floor!" Never got a dinner!

I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I assumed you were a guy, you might have female parts. I don't know per-say. And I don't mean to call it a per-say, but it might be... with sack.

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

I could never do what Tiger Woods did...I fucking hate golf!

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I like all ladies of all different ages.