Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1055

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

Mad Cow Disease? I gotta be afraid of fucking cows now? And Canadian cows, I feel like such a puss.

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called "The Right Hand Stuff". I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.