Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1055

Ladies, I will go to dance clubs and I will tear it up hard core… for a good thirty seconds. When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls. So we finish at the same time.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.

Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.

I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.

You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.

Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.'

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Noah’s wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, "It’s your turn to spread the papers on the floor!" Never got a dinner!

The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.