Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1056

When we started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight.

One time I love to shop is after a bad relationship. I go and buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit I’ll break up with someone on purpose.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

They really cut to the chase in the urologist’s examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.