Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1056
Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?
At this point in time, that's like saying you're not 'into the phone.'
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
I'm like oysters; a few people claim they're a delicacy, but most people find the idea of putting one in their mouth disgusting.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
No Angie, it's instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you're laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. Boom! Friends for life!
You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.
Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.
They really cut to the chase in the urologist’s examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.