Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1087
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.
I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!
When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.
You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...