Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1087

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

George Bush hates midgets.

But in the Olympics, in the last Olympics, we, Britain, didn't do very well, got no gold medals at all, which pissed me off. But we're setting up a British Olympics, where each and every event is a British event, like the British hundred metres: "Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, pardon me, excuse me… I think I was here first!" We should win that.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”

You might be a redneck if you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

Maniac, depressed, and a schizophrenic. My umbilical cord was a crazy straw.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.