Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1087

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

This is my favorite argument against gay marriage. It’s from Senator John Cornyn of Texas… he goes “Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn’t affect your everyday life. But that doesn’t mean it’s right.”... I think it’s pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle… That’s not the first animal you jump to when you’re writing that analogy.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

What's the latest dope on Wall Street? My son!

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.