Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1087
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."
You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.
It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.