Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1087

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.