Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1087
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.
[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.
People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.
I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.
As long as they're homophobic behind closed doors, and don't hurt anyone, I'm fine with it.
I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."