Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1087

The president is not doing well with African Americans. His popularity rating - his approval rating - with blacks: two percent. Two percent. That is somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and sickle cell anemia.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny.

I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.

I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets

At no time do I come from a cynical point of view. I'm coming from a concerned point of view.

What do atheists scream when they come?"

As long as they're homophobic behind closed doors, and don't hurt anyone, I'm fine with it.

Life is full of horrible mistakes.

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.