Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1088

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.