Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1088

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

I don't have a brother in real life.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

My foreign policy? Fuck you! My domestic policy, FUCK YOU!

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I tried water polo and my horse drowned... that was a nightmare.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.