Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1088

There was a time when people said, "Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that." Now they just say, "Pay him!"

We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I just broke up with my girl friend, i caught her lying....under another man.

Life is full of horrible mistakes.

Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes.

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I thought the purpose of education was to learn to think for yourself.

Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.