Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1088
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.
[Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck you Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu- the Germans are here! Hello Americans! We love you!
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.
Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'
I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.
I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!
Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an "A" level in guilt.
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.
Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
She was wacko. She was an only child, but she still had a sibling rivalry.