Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1088

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.

You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Donald Glover staying hotter than some rifle spit

I tried water polo and my horse drowned... that was a nightmare.

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!