Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1088

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

I’m a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

Anything that I don’t understand or can’t do is stupid.