Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1086

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?