Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1086
There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
We are comfortable, collectively, that those 12 [shootings] are related.
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?
Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.
Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.
Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.
But in the Olympics, in the last Olympics, we, Britain, didn't do very well, got no gold medals at all, which pissed me off. But we're setting up a British Olympics, where each and every event is a British event, like the British hundred metres: "Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, pardon me, excuse me… I think I was here first!" We should win that.