Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1086
In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.
You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
But in the Olympics, in the last Olympics, we, Britain, didn't do very well, got no gold medals at all, which pissed me off. But we're setting up a British Olympics, where each and every event is a British event, like the British hundred metres: "Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, pardon me, excuse me… I think I was here first!" We should win that.
I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
[Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck you Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu- the Germans are here! Hello Americans! We love you!
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.
Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.
I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.