Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1086
When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.
I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.
It's easy to point the finger at someone else and place blame. Go head try it it's fun. Pick anyone and start blame placing the shit outta them.
Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.
I purposefully studied ventriloquism so I can throw my orgasm - which was sort of a sad moment in my life.
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
I just broke up with my girl friend, i caught her lying....under another man.