Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1086

At one point he decided enough was enough.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Vengeance, is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the daisies. But, you need something really bad to take vengeance for. Like, your girl friend hogs the chocolate milk. No. But, your girl friend drags you into therapy and lets your family secretly watch while you weep, well, I think even the daisies want to kick a little girl friend ass. And, the worst part about it, is that she apologised. Gave me a back rub and we had the best sex we ever had. What kind of manipulative crap is that?

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!