Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1086
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."
If you've ever seen a vagina close up... it looks like an alien's gonna hop out and attach itself to your face and lay eggs in your mouth.
This is my favorite argument against gay marriage. It’s from Senator John Cornyn of Texas… he goes “Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn’t affect your everyday life. But that doesn’t mean it’s right.”... I think it’s pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle… That’s not the first animal you jump to when you’re writing that analogy.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.
I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn’t met yet.
I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.
I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.
Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"