Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1086
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.
I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.
Also, as I've gotten older and more mature, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that's reflected onstage.
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.
The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.