Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1086

You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

There was a time in my life when I was very interested in relationship psychology. Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.

We are comfortable, collectively, that those 12 [shootings] are related.

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.