Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1089
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Leave me alone. Mine [laptop] has been on for years. The poor thing is going there "I'm boiling! Please, turn me off! Even oven gets a break! Come on!"
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.