Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1089

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Donald Glover staying hotter than some rifle spit

Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?