Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1089
I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.
Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.
You might be a redneck if there is a wasp nest in your living room.
And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.
More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.
I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.
You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.