Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1089

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

This is my favorite argument against gay marriage. It’s from Senator John Cornyn of Texas… he goes “Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn’t affect your everyday life. But that doesn’t mean it’s right.”... I think it’s pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle… That’s not the first animal you jump to when you’re writing that analogy.

You might be a redneck if someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.