Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1089

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.

We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.

You might be a redneck if you can spit without opening your mouth.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

It seems like movies that have heart to them always do well, and they find their audience.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."

"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'"