Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1089

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

Anything that I don’t understand or can’t do is stupid.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

Feeling in love and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.

You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...

What year did Jesus think it was?

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What -- does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.