Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1089
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.
I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.