Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1090

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.