Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1090
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over.
Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.