Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1090

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

You might be a redneck if you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. “Is it Scotch?”, I asked. “Why?” the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?”. “In that case, have you got any wild duck?”. “No”, he responded, “but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you”

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

There’s a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It’s literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It’s a huge amount of work.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

My ideal groupie would be quite emotionally distant…

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!