Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1090
Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.
Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an "A" level in guilt.
The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just - the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'
You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
I don't know, people take chances on stage. It's a big free speech zone, a comedy show. So sometimes things happen, you say things that are a little bit off the edge.
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?