Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1090

[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] What is Stephen Hawking's personal best for the London marathon?

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.

On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.

She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.

What do atheists scream when they come?"

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

Feeling in love and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.