Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1090

Feeling in love and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives.

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.