Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1102

We had our own Olympics and forget the color war. We had the colon wars, which was sort of sad. The rabbi was the head of the sports department, and he said, 'Let the injuries begin!'

"A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!"

They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over.

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. "You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!"

I'm a cautious pessimist.

We are comfortable, collectively, that those 12 [shootings] are related.

People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

My mother sadly claimed, that my birth was just a coincidence.

[while snow-skiing with his family]<br /> I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

I just broke up with my girl friend, i caught her lying....under another man.

You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You might be a redneck if there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.