Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1102
I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"
The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs. Hence the origin of gay pride.
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."
There’s a need to perfect things in a writers’ room, and that can take a lot of fun out of a show sometimes. It’s a struggle. It depends on your personality. Some people love working with a writing staff. I had a great writing staff on Lucky Louie, but it sometimes felt like Congress or something.
You might be a redneck if you think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
I'm a hard guy to live with. I'm like a caged animal. I'm up all night walking around the living room. It's hard for me to come down from what I do.
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the internet people were just writing ‘fuck you’ and attaching it to pigeons.
The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.
Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.
You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.