Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1102

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...

You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.

Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.