Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1102

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as pain-go-bye-bye juice?

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

What's the latest dope on Wall Street? My son!

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.