Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1103
The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart.
I'd never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I've been learning more about it as I've been doing interviews. I didn't even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”
I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.
I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.