Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1103

Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.

Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

The kind of people that say “political correctness gone mad” are usually using that phrase as a kind of cover action to attack minorities or people that they disagree with. [...] And I’m sick, I’m really sick– 84% of you in this room that have agreed with this phrase, you’re like those people who turn around and go, “you know who the most oppressed minorities in Britain are? White, middle-class men.” You’re a bunch of idiots.

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I was raised in an atmosphere of 'everything's fine.' But as I got older, I was like, 'Well no, everything's not fine. There is stuff that's sad.' I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes.

The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."

There’s a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It’s literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It’s a huge amount of work.