Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1103
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.
I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'
In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.
The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?