Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1103
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.
Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.
Don't give advice. It will come back and bite you in the butt. Don't take anyone's advice. So, my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "
I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But... I'm a loving, spiritual person.
We are comfortable, collectively, that those 12 [shootings] are related.
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.