Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1103
I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!
I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.
The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.
It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.
I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.
You might be a redneck if you refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.