Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1101

You might be a redneck if you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage.

Anything that I don’t understand or can’t do is stupid.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.