Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1101

I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

I've had, what, two years? Probably five good years. Before that I had twenty years of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All those things. That'll always outweigh the good times.

So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.

There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'.

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

Surfing is both an ideological and semantic sin against nature.

The inner child runs rampant. They're just smaller, that's all.

Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

We had our own Olympics and forget the color war. We had the colon wars, which was sort of sad. The rabbi was the head of the sports department, and he said, 'Let the injuries begin!'

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

"A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!"

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.