Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1104

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game for comedy material but I don't believe that.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

"The times they are a changin" mostly for those who need it least.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.