Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1104

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.

If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!

You might be a redneck if there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

You might be a redneck if you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Anything that I don’t understand or can’t do is stupid.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.