Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1104
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!
More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.
I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?
The kind of people that say “political correctness gone mad” are usually using that phrase as a kind of cover action to attack minorities or people that they disagree with. [...] And I’m sick, I’m really sick– 84% of you in this room that have agreed with this phrase, you’re like those people who turn around and go, “you know who the most oppressed minorities in Britain are? White, middle-class men.” You’re a bunch of idiots.
They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.
I thought the purpose of education was to learn to think for yourself.
Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: don't stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.
If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.