Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1104

Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

I'm a cautious pessimist.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Don't cross Lorenzo Lamas. Ever.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

The prospect of an interest-rate-hike lifeline for the currency has become even more remote. The coming week will be the most important for the currency of any in the next three months.

My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum's mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

My mother sadly claimed, that my birth was just a coincidence.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.