Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1110
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive.
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, “Gday Gday how you doing no worries next”.
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, "They still have a van?"
I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say "I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean". I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.
( Unlikely letters for an agony aunt to receive ) I would like to trace my father , could you suggest a good marker pen ?
We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a (expletive) dream, too.
There was a time in my life when I was very interested in relationship psychology. Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.
Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."