Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1110
This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.
Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we’re like Oprah and Gale. Only we’re not denying anything.
I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go.
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.
Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.
Norm MacDonald. Norm, you're the funniest man I know. Because these are the other people that I know.
Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, "this is going to hurt me more than it will you".
Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.
Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.