Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1110

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

I just want to be myself.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."

The only thing I know about Africa is that it’s far, far away. A thirty-five-hour flight. Imagine the boat ride. The boat ride’s so long, there are still slaves on their way here.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".

Here's a guy who's never faced combat or anything in his life - or really had a tough day - and he's like, 'Bring it on,' I love that. He's like, 'Ya got a problem? Bring it on. Over there. In Iraq. Where the troops are.'

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

[America is] simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.

I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.

I meet so many young folks who say, “If I got to go and die in a war at 18, I want the right to vote at 18.” Don’t be no damn fool. You got to die at 18, you better fight to get the right to vote at 17.

Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the internet people were just writing ‘fuck you’ and attaching it to pigeons.