Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1110

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.

There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.

I purposefully studied ventriloquism so I can throw my orgasm - which was sort of a sad moment in my life.

People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

It’s impossible to be unhappy in a poncho!

Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That’s where you find your voice.

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

There was a time in my life when I was very interested in relationship psychology. Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.

Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.