Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1110

My boobs are very muscular!

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

I've had, what, two years? Probably five good years. Before that I had twenty years of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All those things. That'll always outweigh the good times.

Here's a guy who's never faced combat or anything in his life - or really had a tough day - and he's like, 'Bring it on,' I love that. He's like, 'Ya got a problem? Bring it on. Over there. In Iraq. Where the troops are.'

He's as gay as a candle in the wind.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go.

She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.

Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.

My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.

The inner child runs rampant. They're just smaller, that's all.

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.