Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1109
On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.
The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
[America is] simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
One in the morning, you have people waiting for a booth to open at a Waffle House.
Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the internet people were just writing ‘fuck you’ and attaching it to pigeons.
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.
Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.