Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1109
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting the quill back in the goose.
When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."
"It's a wonderful day when white people black people and Hispanics all come together, to pick on another minority"
The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs. Hence the origin of gay pride.
On Jeff Ross: “You’re fattening faster than you’re aging. You’re like the Curious Case of Benjamin Glutton”
At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.
I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.
Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot.
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!