Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1109
I went one time. It wasn't voluntary; it was pretty much court ordered. But I thought I could give back to the AA community, you know, see all those single hottie men there. I could be like a sponsor. Have them call me at two in the morning, and be like, 'I want to have a drink.' I'll be like, 'I have one! Come over!'
You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?
Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.
You might be a redneck if you think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."
I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the internet people were just writing ‘fuck you’ and attaching it to pigeons.
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.