Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1109
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.
I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.
Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as pain-go-bye-bye juice?
Can anyone lead us? Someone with integrity, truth, fire? Someone to create peace and unite us? God, I just described Bono and SpongeBob. We're fucked.
If your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.
I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."