Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1111

There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.

Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That’s where you find your voice.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

Oh, Captain Clever! Rattle it, if it doesn't go off it can't be a bomb!

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

You look like a horse in a man costume

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.