Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1111

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, "They still have a van?"

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I’m surprised she hasn’t joined them!

Take my wife… please!

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.

I believe, even when I'm doing my standup or my acting or whatever I'm doing, I believe in painting pictures.

You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] How long is a Scottish winter?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

There was a time in my life when I was very interested in relationship psychology. Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.