Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1111

Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.

My mother sadly claimed, that my birth was just a coincidence.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that - wasted time.

I don't know, people take chances on stage. It's a big free speech zone, a comedy show. So sometimes things happen, you say things that are a little bit off the edge.

Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?

I have one phobia, snakes. And by "snakes" I mean "intimacy."

I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...

You might be a redneck if the rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

I would think the squad car cop is to the cop on a bike as the sketch artist is to the etch-a-sketch artist.