Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1111

Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the internet people were just writing ‘fuck you’ and attaching it to pigeons.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.

My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, "They still have a van?"

You might be a redneck if you use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

It's easy to point the finger at someone else and place blame. Go head try it it's fun. Pick anyone and start blame placing the shit outta them.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."

Take my wife… please!

"A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!"

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.