Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1122
I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.
I don’t know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I’m not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.
Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.
The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.
A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.
I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.
Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?