Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1122
A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.
Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.
Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
You might be a redneck if you've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.