Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1122

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Just woke up after a nightmare only to reaiize it is far safer asleep than me making breakfast and always paranoid about poisoning myself.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I'm here for a friend. I brought a couple of boxes of chocolate Jell-O.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!'

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

The speed of time is one second per second.

The TV season is a year-long thing now, and the networks are starting to look at it that way, thanks to cable, satellites, and competition.