Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1122

This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?

Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.

How are you gonna make an ‘idol’ from the type of person you’re trying to avoid in real life?

I’ve got a bit of Scottish Blood… On my kitchen knife!!

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye."

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

It's clearly yen positive, especially when China is gradually allowing the yuan to appreciate day by day.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.