Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1122
One little boy turned to the kid next to him, and he said, 'I hate you.' And this kid was devastated. He started crying those only tears you can cry as a child. He was saying, 'I don't know why you hate me; I don't know what I have done to make you hate me.' And then softy, so quietly you had to strain to hear it, he said, 'Fuck.' And the first boy heard him and said, 'Hold On. Do you swear?' And he said yes, and they were friends again. Don't tell me swearing it wrong. I have seen it's healing properties.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
I went one time. It wasn't voluntary; it was pretty much court ordered. But I thought I could give back to the AA community, you know, see all those single hottie men there. I could be like a sponsor. Have them call me at two in the morning, and be like, 'I want to have a drink.' I'll be like, 'I have one! Come over!'
You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy -- if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.
They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.
Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music...
Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.