Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1123

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

I'm here for a friend. I brought a couple of boxes of chocolate Jell-O.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

He plays just like a union man. He negotiates the final score.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.

I'm a late-night guy.

You might be a redneck if you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a used cap.

And I was like, “Um, yeah, I am.” I have no idea why though. I had nothing to do with that movie. It’s just some people that kind of look like me are in this movie that everyone loves and winning Oscars and stuff.”

I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn’t met yet.

I'm Bill Hicks, and I'm dead now, 'cause I smoked cigarrettes... cigarrettes didn't kill me, a bucnh of non-smokers kicked the living shit out of me one night.