Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1123

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!

I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

You might be a redneck if you've never paid for a haircut.

Britney and Christina's careers are nipple to nipple.

You might be a redneck if you think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

My family only looked human in fun house mirrors.

On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, "They still have a van?"