Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1123

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, 'What's that?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting hungry.'

They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

It's the time of year when Canadians mate.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Don't cross Lorenzo Lamas. Ever.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That’s probably how David knows that there’s a World Cup coming up.

I couldn’t have invented crisps. [...] I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. [...] I invented apples. [...] I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.

It's clearly yen positive, especially when China is gradually allowing the yuan to appreciate day by day.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."