Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1123

The TV season is a year-long thing now, and the networks are starting to look at it that way, thanks to cable, satellites, and competition.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.

There's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. 'You drink too much. You sleep too much.' It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too.

I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Britney and Christina's careers are nipple to nipple.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy -- if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.

To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.

Any time you can match up anatomically to anything in a smut shop it makes you feel pretty proud.

Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."