Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1121
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?
The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.
My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.
Just for the record my Arab friends, i dont do any Arab jokes in my act. Its not that i dont think you are funny. It's just .. I dont know, i dont wanna..... die?
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.
The prospect of an interest-rate-hike lifeline for the currency has become even more remote. The coming week will be the most important for the currency of any in the next three months.