Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1121

I woke up with a bloody nose this morning. I said, 'yeech, who threw that in there?'

The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

There’s a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It’s literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It’s a huge amount of work.

Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

New synonyms for sex: ""Going to a family function," "getting the hard part over with," "anti-fillet." Get it? Sex!

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

You'll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheiney is drinking water, check that shit out.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?

Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"