Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1121

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

You might be a redneck if you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, "for what?"

What good are family values if they are built on hate.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome.

"The times they are a changin" mostly for those who need it least.

You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

Oh yeah, I’m mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.