Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1127
You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
I would think the squad car cop is to the cop on a bike as the sketch artist is to the etch-a-sketch artist.
Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.
I remember white dudes used to come down to the whorehouse. “Do you have any girls who cover you with ice cream?... And little boys to lick it off?” He was the mayor.
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.
Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.
It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.
Everyone I know with a kid says, "you gotta try it"... It's not a joint. I can't just put it out in an ash tray when I'm done.
The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force. But it's an impersonal force. Some people call it Nature. Certainly not this personal god who you have a personal relationship with, who listens to your prayers and answers them, or doesn't. You know, not the silly stuff that most Americans believe because we're such a dumb nation.