Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1127

My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.

The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ’s playlist.

Do you feel insecure because you keep getting the nagging feeling that you're not that smart? Well, I've got good news for you, my friend. You have no need to be insecure. That nagging feeling is absolutely right on target. You are not that smart. But I have more good news for you. You are also not alone.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.

You have to have a lot more dedication to what I'll call 'the machine,' ... I have 20 percent dedication. What's needed is 110 percent. You can't have it with the level of apathy I have.

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a (expletive) dream, too.

Stand by your bed and salute me.

George Bush says, "Gore's book needs a lot of explaining." Of course, Bush says that about every book.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don’t know why.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.