Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1127
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.
Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"
We made love, and I thought she had an orgasm. I said, 'Well, did you have an orgasm?' She said, 'Yeah, but I was hoping for a series.'
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Everyone in my school knew one thing. Nobody fucked with the deaf kids because deaf kids are strong as shit. They have the strength of 14 gorillas. One of my friends got into a fight with a deaf kid and the deaf kid beat 37 kinds of shit into my friend. He kept bashing him. I dont know if he couldnt hear the sound of the beating but he went berserk. I dont know if he was lip reading wrong. My friend was like "Stop. OW!" "*deaf kid accent* Stop telling me Fuck Off!"