Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1127
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!
My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.
Do you feel insecure because you keep getting the nagging feeling that you're not that smart? Well, I've got good news for you, my friend. You have no need to be insecure. That nagging feeling is absolutely right on target. You are not that smart. But I have more good news for you. You are also not alone.
Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.
It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
I couldn’t have invented crisps. [...] I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. [...] I invented apples. [...] I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.
[about her half-black boyfriend] I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.
I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.