Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1128
Sarah Palin HAS to be Latina: she has a job and her husband don't work. She's gonna be a grandma, and has an infant-she's Latina.
I remember white dudes used to come down to the whorehouse. “Do you have any girls who cover you with ice cream?... And little boys to lick it off?” He was the mayor.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.
To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.
New synonyms for sex: ""Going to a family function," "getting the hard part over with," "anti-fillet." Get it? Sex!
The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force. But it's an impersonal force. Some people call it Nature. Certainly not this personal god who you have a personal relationship with, who listens to your prayers and answers them, or doesn't. You know, not the silly stuff that most Americans believe because we're such a dumb nation.
Two words no woman should ever have to hear: Triple Mastectomy.
Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?
If these two are tired of having sex with each other, what hope is there for the rest of us?
[After reading an article on Miles for Kids in an inflight journal] What [President of the Airline] is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.