Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1128

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

They call me a role model \ <br /> Even though my hand’s glued to that gin bottle

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.

Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that - wasted time.

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

I've played some strange rounds of golf in my travels. One course in Alaska was hacked out of the wilderness. My caddy was a moose. Every time I reached for a club he thought I was trying to steal his antlers.

The only way I can get Fang out of bed in the morning is to wear a black dress and a veil, and sit on the edge of his bed and cry.

School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic - I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game for comedy material but I don't believe that.

At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.