Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1126
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.
You might be a redneck if you've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!
For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.
On the song 'Funk Soul Brother': "If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls."
You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
He doesn't understand the subtleties of slights and pains, that it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.
Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.
Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?