Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1126

You might be a redneck if you use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Just for the record my Arab friends, i dont do any Arab jokes in my act. Its not that i dont think you are funny. It's just .. I dont know, i dont wanna..... die?

Do you feel insecure because you keep getting the nagging feeling that you're not that smart? Well, I've got good news for you, my friend. You have no need to be insecure. That nagging feeling is absolutely right on target. You are not that smart. But I have more good news for you. You are also not alone.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I purposefully studied ventriloquism so I can throw my orgasm - which was sort of a sad moment in my life.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that?

Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.