Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1126
You might be a redneck if you think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, "No, I don't." Because I wouldn't have just one kid; I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.
It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.
You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?
Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check … is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.
I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go.
You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.
When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.