Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1126
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
The kind of people that say “political correctness gone mad” are usually using that phrase as a kind of cover action to attack minorities or people that they disagree with. [...] And I’m sick, I’m really sick– 84% of you in this room that have agreed with this phrase, you’re like those people who turn around and go, “you know who the most oppressed minorities in Britain are? White, middle-class men.” You’re a bunch of idiots.
I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
A lot of natural disasters, right? It's depressing -- gotta keep giving money, can't afford it. Gets to be like friends' weddings now -- like, 'Damn, another one. Tsunami plus guest. Ugh.' Hurricanes, earthquakes, mudslides -- it's like the drink menu at T.G.I. Friday's unleashing its wrath on the universe.
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.
When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
I was like, 'Have you all heard me talk?' You know, nobody's making Seinfeld live in Indiana.
You’re a walking tumor. Actually, it’s a big deal when you spot a tumor.
I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.