Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1133
Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!
You've done something alright with your life when the only rule on your job is don't shake your cock at the customer.
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
If these two are tired of having sex with each other, what hope is there for the rest of us?
If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.
We made love, and I thought she had an orgasm. I said, 'Well, did you have an orgasm?' She said, 'Yeah, but I was hoping for a series.'
It's easy to point the finger at someone else and place blame. Go head try it it's fun. Pick anyone and start blame placing the shit outta them.
I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things - or who doesn't win them - you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.