Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1133

[On George W. Bush] He does have that weird mixture of born again Christian and stupid that some people mistake for courage and focus.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don’t even know I’m saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she’s like, "Oh, I love your show." And I’m like, "You can’t love my show if you can hear."

I was like, 'Have you all heard me talk?' You know, nobody's making Seinfeld live in Indiana.

This is a great day for people who do what I do, this is a great day for talk-show hosts. Remember when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face? It's like one of those days. It's like when Mel Gibson went crazy and blamed the Jewish people for everything, it's one of those days, it's fantastic.

It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'

Quite a nasty piece of work. Not the sort of person you'd want to have dinner with.

It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

You never hear a woman say, 'Hey, lets go to balls.'

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

[After reading an article on Miles for Kids in an inflight journal] What [President of the Airline] is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?