Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1133

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'

What good are family values if they are built on hate.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

Well thank you, I can hardly say I'm an 'eloquent' writer, it's like a third grade reading level.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."