Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1133
Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic - I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.
Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.
You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
A lot of natural disasters, right? It's depressing -- gotta keep giving money, can't afford it. Gets to be like friends' weddings now -- like, 'Damn, another one. Tsunami plus guest. Ugh.' Hurricanes, earthquakes, mudslides -- it's like the drink menu at T.G.I. Friday's unleashing its wrath on the universe.
Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking... And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.
When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.