Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1132
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.
It's a historical thing, up to the 19th century the English hated the French. Then in the 20th century the English started to hate the Germans - as we began to move alphabetically through the map of the world. Now, the year 2000, we are fine with the Germans… but the Hungarians are pissing us off.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"
Don't you get it? Someone has to save all the other cable boys and girls, someone has to kill the babysitter.
It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
I remember white dudes used to come down to the whorehouse. “Do you have any girls who cover you with ice cream?... And little boys to lick it off?” He was the mayor.
Some people wonder if it isn’t unusual for an accountant to become a comedian. It’s unusual for a good account to become a comedian. I was a very poor accountant.