Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1132
"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.
You young people with your twittering and your creating of content. Or what is it - queefing? I don't know what you young people are calling it.
We have many things in common, the greatest of which is that we are both afraid of the children.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.
At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
So glad I'm not the only guy who thinks about killing everyone wearing a hoodie.
A lot of natural disasters, right? It's depressing -- gotta keep giving money, can't afford it. Gets to be like friends' weddings now -- like, 'Damn, another one. Tsunami plus guest. Ugh.' Hurricanes, earthquakes, mudslides -- it's like the drink menu at T.G.I. Friday's unleashing its wrath on the universe.
This is a great day for people who do what I do, this is a great day for talk-show hosts. Remember when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face? It's like one of those days. It's like when Mel Gibson went crazy and blamed the Jewish people for everything, it's one of those days, it's fantastic.