Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1132

If it weren’t for my adam’s apple, I’d have no shape at all.

You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye."

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

They call me a role model \ <br /> Even though my hand’s glued to that gin bottle

[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica]<br /> I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind???"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

My book editor asked me if I wanted an extension and I told him, it's okay, I'm happy with the length of my penis.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.