Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1134
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village-fucking-idiot!
Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.
Sorry sweety, you're not going to make the cut. You're just not unhealthy enough for me.
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.