Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1134
Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.
I was like, 'Have you all heard me talk?' You know, nobody's making Seinfeld live in Indiana.
This is a great day for people who do what I do, this is a great day for talk-show hosts. Remember when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face? It's like one of those days. It's like when Mel Gibson went crazy and blamed the Jewish people for everything, it's one of those days, it's fantastic.
It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".
Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.
I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
One in the morning, you have people waiting for a booth to open at a Waffle House.