Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1143

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

I washed mud off of mud.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.

It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.