Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1143

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.

I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism; that all civilizations are just different. No! Not always. Sometimes things are better! Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy; equality of the sexes, better; protection of minorities, better; free speech, better; free elections, better; free appliances with large purchases, better! Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

[When discussing a Florida woman denied a drivers license for refusing to remove her Burka and head covering] You know, I think they should give her the license, but then, it should only be good for flying carpets.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'

This pope was born on the 16th of April, making him an Aries, compatible with both Sagittarius and Leo. But, of course, Jesus was famously a Capricorn, meaning that this pope is incompatible with Jesus. Not my findings, the findings of science. Don't get angry with me, Catholics. Go get angry with Galileo. Oh, you already did.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

It's go time! And by "go" I mean "go sit down".

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.