Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1143

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

The more you want the less you get.

Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.

When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.

I blew off meditation for worrying and found myself.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

When you have a good time there is no time.

I was like, 'Have you all heard me talk?' You know, nobody's making Seinfeld live in Indiana.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold "Beard Of Bees" competitions.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.