Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1142

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.

I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism; that all civilizations are just different. No! Not always. Sometimes things are better! Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy; equality of the sexes, better; protection of minorities, better; free speech, better; free elections, better; free appliances with large purchases, better! Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

[When discussing a Florida woman denied a drivers license for refusing to remove her Burka and head covering] You know, I think they should give her the license, but then, it should only be good for flying carpets.