Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1142
Norm MacDonald. Norm, you're the funniest man I know. Because these are the other people that I know.
I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he’s in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.
Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
Because you think an explosion has taken place and you're looking at the shards and you say, 'Well, can we put this back together?' And by God, maybe you can put it back together. And maybe it won't be the same, but maybe it will be different, and maybe it can even be better in a different way.
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.
You might be a redneck if you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.