Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1142
Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!
I've played some strange rounds of golf in my travels. One course in Alaska was hacked out of the wilderness. My caddy was a moose. Every time I reached for a club he thought I was trying to steal his antlers.
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.
Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Well, I think "likability" is an overused word. I don’t watch people 'cause I like them; I watch them because they’re compelling. Sympathetic is a little different. Likable just thins you out. Working to make a character likable is what kills most TV shows.
They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.
Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.
To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.
Two words no woman should ever have to hear: Triple Mastectomy.