Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1144

It's clearly yen positive, especially when China is gradually allowing the yuan to appreciate day by day.

Sorry sweety, you're not going to make the cut. You're just not unhealthy enough for me.

I change the situation like I’m auditioning for Jersey Shore.

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.

First of all, I'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

For men there are costumes like "fireman," "policeman" and "vampire." For women there are costumes like "slutty fireman," "slutty policeman" and "slutty vampire."

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I’m a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

Death’s vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.

Today is the last day of the beginning of my life.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.