Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1144
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.
Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".
You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
If life begins at conception, but you can be "born again" later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
I enjoy fame except when I'm with my daughter. Kids stop me all the time and I don't want her to be jealous of the attention. Also, sometimes I just want to be left alone and I refuse to make rubber faces. That's when they start asking, "What's the matter, man, don't you like your job?" I say, "Yeah, I like my job. But I also like having sex, and I'm not going to do that in front of you either."
I don't like the negative of reality tv - the "you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me". It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.
Every group is racist. White folks will see a group of Indian people and they’re like, “Look at all those brown people, they’re probably all very happy together.” Then you get in that group and like, “Hey, you from India? I’m from India. What part? No, not that part. Go to hell you dirty bastard.”
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.