Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1144
Everybody I’ve ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you’re new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.
Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?
You can’t be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and think you are drinking the blood of a two thousand year old space god. That doesn’t make you a person of faith, that makes you a schizophrenic.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.
Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a "good time".
I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things - or who doesn't win them - you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.
There’s only one joke that I do in England that doesn’t work in the States. It goes: ‘There was no place to eat last night, so I went to a kebab shop and had a doner. Which my body rejected.’ But you don’t get doners in America. They don’t exist.