Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1150
I'm also concerned about reincarnation because if I was hexed and came back as myself I'd kill myself.
Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
Sarah Palin HAS to be Latina: she has a job and her husband don't work. She's gonna be a grandma, and has an infant-she's Latina.
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
It’s been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was Abraham Lincoln. He used to go to a pub near where he lived and stand in front of the fire and he packed the place every night and he would just talk and bust everybody in their guts. He was just a hilarious speaker and that’s what he did.
I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I've tried everything. I've done therapy, I've done colonics. I went to a psychic who had me running around town buying pieces of ribbon to fill the colors in my aura. Did the Prozac thing.
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.