Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1150

Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!

I feel bad for people who've never been addicted to anything. Cause they're the real losers. You wanna know why? Cause they don't know what it's like to really want something. And get it. Again and again and again, until they're sick and have to stop. That's passion.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.

She just gave blood and she's still got enough to fill up her face.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

If birds are attracted to your beard, you might be a redneck.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

I was sitting next to a young couple with a baby on the plane and I was making the baby laugh the entire flight. Do you know what babies love? Ethnic jokes.

Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.