Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1150

The only thing I know about Africa is that it’s far, far away. A thirty-five-hour flight. Imagine the boat ride. The boat ride’s so long, there are still slaves on their way here.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

You might be a redneck if your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: "If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

I don't have time to live in the moment right now.

Do they give Pulitzers for tweets yet?

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

There’s only one joke that I do in England that doesn’t work in the States. It goes: ‘There was no place to eat last night, so I went to a kebab shop and had a doner. Which my body rejected.’ But you don’t get doners in America. They don’t exist.