Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1151
I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles.
No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
You might be a redneck if someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
He's the badass of the group - like if they get into some kind of Scooby-Doo scrape, he's the one that's gonna get them out.
You might be a redneck if you participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?
British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death
I got bused to school into a poor white neighborhood. A neighborhood worse than the one I lived in. And everybody’s scared of black people, everybody’s scared of Puerto Ricans. Yo, there ain’t nothing scarier than poor white people… Yo, these muthafuckers, they lived under the trailer home, alright. They weren’t white trash, they’re like white toxic waste.
You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I've tried everything. I've done therapy, I've done colonics. I went to a psychic who had me running around town buying pieces of ribbon to fill the colors in my aura. Did the Prozac thing.