Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1151

A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.

You might be a redneck if your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

If I keep all my disorders to a minimum every day then by about 2053 I should have a handle on practically nothing.

Don't count on others to care about you more than you do about yourself or you'll probably run away with the circus and hide forever.

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

The more you want the less you get.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.