Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1151
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.
A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.
No one smart is having a toilet baby. It’s never like ‘Darling you’ll never guess what has come out of my vagina’
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'.
Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!
It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.
It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”
It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.