Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1149
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
For men there are costumes like "fireman," "policeman" and "vampire." For women there are costumes like "slutty fireman," "slutty policeman" and "slutty vampire."
You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights.
You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.
People are evacuating every day, right? Evacuating used to be a big deal. Now, it's like jury duty. Like, 'Great, gotta evacuate. You gonna go?' 'Nah, I'll see if I can get out of it.'
[On George W. Bush] He does have that weird mixture of born again Christian and stupid that some people mistake for courage and focus.