Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1149

It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

Being sober for 18 years, now when I take prescribed medicine I pray for hip, side effects.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

You can’t teach an old hater new truths.

I've played some strange rounds of golf in my travels. One course in Alaska was hacked out of the wilderness. My caddy was a moose. Every time I reached for a club he thought I was trying to steal his antlers.

The more you want the less you get.

You might be a redneck if you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.

Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.

Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.