Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1149

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...

Being sober for 18 years, now when I take prescribed medicine I pray for hip, side effects.

If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it’s still a negative. You’re just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

To a heckler: "I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight."

Big time, ... I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes — when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.

You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can get yourself into Harvard, that’s a good way to go, because every Harvard graduating class, the agencies come trolling around and they’ll look for you. So if you go to Harvard, you’ll get found there.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... <br /> George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

If your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

This pope was born on the 16th of April, making him an Aries, compatible with both Sagittarius and Leo. But, of course, Jesus was famously a Capricorn, meaning that this pope is incompatible with Jesus. Not my findings, the findings of science. Don't get angry with me, Catholics. Go get angry with Galileo. Oh, you already did.