Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1149

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.

A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

I people-please everyone but myself.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.

Our egos tells us we're the only ones that have any kind of feelings. We're the only ones with a relationship. We're the only ones with family. You know, I think that if you kill a spider, there is a relationship that you're ruining. There's a conversation going on outside with the other spiders. 'Did you hear about Chris?.... Killed yeah... .Sneaker. And now Stephanie has nine hundred babies to raise all alone. Well, she's got her legs full I'll tell you that right now. Chris was so kind, wouldn't hurt a fly. It's just been tough for them lately. They just lost their web last week. Those humans think they're so smart. Let them try shooting silk out of their butt and see what they can make.

Because you think an explosion has taken place and you're looking at the shards and you say, 'Well, can we put this back together?' And by God, maybe you can put it back together. And maybe it won't be the same, but maybe it will be different, and maybe it can even be better in a different way.

People watching me, I feel like Amber Rose’s tits

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I went to penitentiary one time, not me personally, but me and Gene went there for a movie. "Arizona State Penitentiary" Population: 80 percent black people. But there are no black people in Arizona, they have to bus motherfuckers in!

Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.