Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1158

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.

The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

My shrink told me I had an out-of-family experience when I was growing up.

You might be a redneck if you’ve got more than three cousins named "Bubba."

"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family."

I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

They flew me out in this plane that was only first class. It was all first class. It was the most psychotic thing I've ever seen in my life. The drinking that went on - it was like Mardi Gras. The nose of the plane started to develop red veins.