Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1158

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they’re not ugly.

You might be a redneck if your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOU'RE PANTS!!!

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close.

People watching me, I feel like Amber Rose’s tits

I change the situation like I’m auditioning for Jersey Shore.

I just fired my shrink. She called me the "Every-Mess."

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.