Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1158

A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

People watching me, I feel like Amber Rose’s tits

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.